Agnes gulps down the liquid with a quick, involuntary wince…It tastes like poison; bitter, lethal, sickening. Fumbles for a piece of blank paper amidst the clutter of her desk. Reaches across sheets of unintelligible nonsense which barely sounds like an essay. In her heart, she finds the last bit of inspiration but it flutters away into the open air…For too long it has been a silent spectator to her confused antics, far too long it has taken a leap and then refused to mingle with her miserable self. And now as she watches it regain its freedom and vanish into the ethereal light, Agnes slouches back into the mess that is her room and reaches for the bottle once more. Drunk on failure, on fear, on pain, on love, of all the things life purports to be…When she thinks of him, her whole soul aches in utter distress, recognising a gash it had once breached out of sheer compassion…She searches for his shadow amidst the debris of her alter-ego and all she can find is the remnant of his fragrance, that piece of him which hangs at the ceiling, vociferous, hungry and a little bit like her…

Look how destiny has played with her, caught her unawares, thrown her against the wall, heard the thump of oblivion and just left her there staring at the abyss while the latter slyly opens the coffins of despair. Mummified in her own selfish bloody hell, clamped down by an unknown, mysterious feeling of dread, engulfed by a bout of deja-vu, Agnes sinks into the depth of an ocean of hellish and murky spells. While her ragged breath recognises a sign of her near-death, she lies down in platitudes and questions swarm her brain, feeding her with the sad story of her existence. Little by little, she is perpetuating history, history unfolds before her and before she can grasp what is happening, Agnes is brought back to the surface and then plunged into the torpor again.

She only asked for a little love, that spark which seemed so promising from the outside. It shone like fireworks bursting into an open sky, displaying a plethora of colours, ambient and playful, buoyant and spirited. She wanted to bask in its magic and feel its warmth, be in symbiosis with what the world was celebrating, be part of this hurly-burly, one-of-a-lifetime, roller-coaster ride…But then we are allowed to dream but reality hits us with a deafening thud when we least expect it. One minute we are laughing, bantering and cheering after the midnight hour and the next we are robbed of our most precious belonging: happiness. How ephemeral it is, it sings a passionate song and then disappears into the night, while we are left with the notes but without the instruments.

She gave him her heart and her all…And he looked into her eyes and promised her that this exhilaration would last forever. That she would wake up the next day, and it would still be true, but bigger, better, brighter.They exchanged vows in the shadow of moon that was either waning or waxing, they couldn’t care less. Vows which she swears were heard by the galloping winds, the hushed up grass, the caressing leaves, the jealous skies and the conspiring pixies of the night…And then he brushed aside the tears which were threatening to ruin her makeup. Said that he couldn’t see her cry and that he would bring a perpetual smile on her face every single day that they would be together. And she dumb fool, who believed in fairy tales, in prince charming on his white horse; who blindly put my faith into something that was bound to be lost…took it all to be true and let herself be guided by passion. One night, one brilliant night and then everything was gone…

Hush baby, don’t cry…It was not meant to be…Go back to your books and your pens. Love is not for you wretched mermaid. Love is for the lovely, the beautiful, the perfect souls…Don’t you see? You have been destined for cruel life, for the emptiness and the misery. It’s written in the palm of your hands, echoed by the musings of your heart, and while you fret and pine; languish and cry your last tears, remember that one kiss, one vow, one heart, one night…are all but drowned away when compared to this sordid, real fresque called life. And to wallow in sorrow and melancholy will not bring him back to you…Maybe he was only a dream…That’s what he was…Nothing but a dream.

 I want to break free for one, to defy conventions and come out of my stifling shell, breathe life with passion and leave behind me rules and inertia. I want to fly on my own terms, create my own bubble of excitement and bubbly effervescence. Never compromise with my dreams and be what I want to be. Fly with the wings of passion and leave reason on one side. Forget what it is to stare into space and think of better things. I want to live for once. Stop kidding myself that this is happiness when all I can feel is gnawing fear for the future.

 My dreams are not out of reach. bhey may seem crazy to the common man nut I was born for bigger, greater things, to be the best I can be, to break the glass and be just be at my brilliant self. I am what I am and nobody can rob me of my energy and will to attain perfection. So today I will be me and shun my outter skin. I will dream and achieve those dremas. I will reach for the stars and climb the summit of hope and joy and be in symbiosis with God’s miraculous spell.

Whenever there’s a shimmering rainbow
I just hope genuine love it will sow
For the wars to fade into history
For the squabbles to look silly.

Whenever I close my eyes and pray
Fervently asking for a peaceful day
I also make a silent request
For the miserable ones and all the rest.

We have seen too much blood
How often the world it will flood?
They have harboured too much hate
We have to stop it for our children’s sake.

If the discord does not stop now
We have to wonder just when and how
The human race will breathe happiness
And chase away the bleakness.

The poems about peace seem so hollow
Even my weary heart refuses to follow
If only we could breach the gap with words
If only we could lay down our menacing swords.

Tomorrow I will write about hope
Tomorrow we will walk along a brand new road
Tomorrow a new dawn will wake from its slumber
Tomorrow we will drown away the terror.

I will give you a little hint
Just go on with it and don’t blink
Give as the rose gives perfume effortlessly
Because it is utterly unconscious giving.

I still believe in humanity
And will continue to do so for an eternity
Let us close our ears to the howling mob
And listen to God’s hearthrob…

Still, I try to bury the passion
Still, vainly forget what it is to dream
Still, I bottle up the fury and the rage
Still, calmly watching time slip between my outstretched hands.

Deep inside my heart
Deep inside the confines of my being
Something rumbles and screechs
Deep down the abysmal, unfathomed and undiscovered me…

Do what everyone has to do
Wake up, say your prayers and be ready to face life
Good morning, yes I’m just doing great
Grin and bear it…

Sing of a brighter tomorrow
Sing of sunshine and butterflies
Sing of a new dawn
Sing of dreams and magic.

Where did I lose the confidence?
Where did I stumble and fall down an endless trap?
Where did it begun and wheredid it all end?
Just where? Oh where…

There are evil shadows lurking at every corner

Dreams have lost their way among the brambles

And at every touch you just tremble. 

Even when the leaves move into a tango

Even when the wind ruffles a breath so slow

Even when the moon seems to befriend your lonely spirit

You long to be done with everything and quit. 

I cannot reach out and soothe your wounds

I cannot even whisper a comforting tune…

The tears in your eyes I cannot cast away

Into euphoria I cant make you sway. 

But although we are miles apart

Even though this eternity has yet to start

I promised to stand by you

And this I will live by all the way through. 

I cant erase the lines of infinity

I cant change the course of destiny

Nor can I afford to wave a magic wand

From the sidelines, I used to stand. 

From the same sidelines, I have watched your steps

I have cheered for you as the difficulties have crept

When hope used to fade into nothingness

I used to watch you saunter away with a grin so effortless.

 I have believed in you

You have been in all my prayers, old and new

And now when you need the ligh

tI know that you will put up the fight. 

A lost battle is never a lost war

I am sure that your dreams will take you far

And soon, from the ashes you will rise

Like the phoenix you will flap your wings and fly into the sunrise…      

“We live in a world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure.There is no end to the adventure that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.”              ~Jawahalal Nehru~  

Today the weather has been playing another game of hers. She loves getting the better of me and often beseeches the clouds to run havoc with my plans. But I do not have any complaints against her. She can torment me according to her whims and caprices. I will grumble a little, sulk a little like the magnificent but shy sun who likes hide-n-seek more than the weather itself. Look, the sun has only just woken up from its torpor and yet, she lazily stretches out, then stealthily makes one futile attempt to cuddle just one more time in  mother-earth’s lap and be a child again. Dont we all long to be a child again, even for the briefest of moments? Feel our mother’s comforting and magic touch; discover the innumerable stars framing a new destiny across a velvet sky; dance in the rain and let the soul nourish itself with the earth’s essence; bask in the sunlight; be whole again… I seem to love this higgledly-piggledly brouhaha called life; the hustle and bustle into which existence finds its meaning. It tempts me, fascinates me; with its overwhelming attrait and flamboyant take on trivialities. As long as life is fun-filled, emotion-packed, passion-brimed, then I will enjoy this roller-coaster ride. With its share of laughter, tears, joys and sorrow, life never ceases to surprise us as it discovers a new path or a recently-hatched idea and just takes it all along its giant stride.  And God, the creator of this masterpiece watches us from His abode and smiles as He understands that his efforts were not in vain; He may have created Earth out of a dream, a mere fleeting and random thought but His genius managed to carve a safe niche for us, His children: “After that, God saw everything He had made and, look! It was very good”-Genesis, 1:31 I believe that if ever there is a heaven somewhere, then it is only on Earth itself. Behold! Contemplate the magic around you; the various trees which bear fruits so sweet and the latter which contain seeds meant to be sown again and again, so that food will be plentiful in generations to come; the countless flowers releasing their scent and being an absolute treat to our senses:  Solemn roses, expressive daffodils, formal gerberas, shy lilies, passionate carnations…Their beauty is unmatchable and so is their stance, a tribute to God’s maestro touch. Look, the sun has burst open a plethoria of orange rays and they erupt into an orgasm of colour; tired and ready to settle down into a well-deserved slumbler, it seeks to fascinate us one last time and sends flowery images of deep red mixed with a demure shade of blue as it sinks into a vast ocean, itself composed of kaleidoscopic colours.  Mountains standing erect with a watchful eye; lush fields running over miles and pastures of green; fine sand which is a delight to playful kids attempting to build a castle which would mirror the house of their dreams; winds caressing your cheeks and ruffling your hair…Each and every aspect of nature fills us with a sense of gratitude, knowing that we have been truly blessed to have such a perfect natural landscape when we want to move away from the screeches of war and feuds. Relationships so meaningful and brought forward by the womb of the Creator Himself. Love, friendship, trust…Love to bind souls; friendship to bind minds; trust to bind the heart. Each relationship designed to perfection and which make our lives a whirlpool of emotion and passion. Love, that sacred bond which makes the heart flutter at the sight of our beloved, makes us see dreams that were never contemplated; and locks us into a maze of romance. Friendship, that eternal flame which brings people close and helps us unite, despite differences in race, colour, religion and ethnicity.   Music, that magical and universal tool which touches the soul and makes us hum, play, strum, compose, sing…Music, powerful music; music, extraordinary music; music, life-enhancing music…Lyrics, notes, harmony…Music is food for the soul, it can drive away the angst and bring forth hope and a feeling of being in sync with life’s beats. Mundane but enjoyable Pop; a tad too loud Hard Rock; groovy Hip Hop, original R n B, inspirational Gospel; passionate Soul, (jazzy) Jazz; soothing Classical…It calms our nerves, can send us into a frenzy, liberates our pent-up stress and accompanies us through each and every escapade of ours.  Literature, painting, drawing, sculpting, cooking, theatre, dancing, architecture…; everything that brings joy and a feeling of fulfilment, each has its own way of enhancing life and creating experiences which we will cherish all our lives and the environment into which we have sharpened and developed our skills, will always be composed of memories of friends found, bonds formed, happiness shared…  That is life, happy-go-lucky life it all its splendour. In Galsworthy’s famous Forsyte Saga – Jolyon Forsyte, asked his mother, ‘What is beauty? Can I see it?’. His mother replied: ‘You see beauty everyday; The sky is beautiful, the stars and moonlit nights…they are all beautiful. Look out of the window, there’s beauty for you.’ “Beauty is love for our work, for the people with whom we come into contact, for books, for music, for art and for the world of nature, for the everyday blessing of life.” As my favourite poet, says:   “A thing of beauty is a joy forever; its loveliness increases, it will never pass into nothingness” – John Keats Krishnee 28 June 2007  

Brightness was gone once and for all
Tears and rain were the only saga left behind
Endless sorrow was growing high and tall
Without any ray of hope nonetheless sublime.

Joys were lost and happiness was wandering aimlessly
Lips trembling amidst a torrent of shadowy storms
Eyes twitching and shivers running stealthily
My alter-ego curled up in a narrow dorm. Dreams long gone
Wishes and candles long burnt into the dark night
Prayers said and done
Nobody caring to see through the angst nor to search through my plight.

Stars in my sky only hushed away in silent torpor
They didnt burst into an orgasmic trance
Nor did they bother to shed light and show some vigour.
Lost and gone were the olden days when they would break into a dance.

But along this lonely road
Amidst the blood gushing out and the pain oozing from within
Came an angel, a friend, a figure unknown
Where there was darkness, he spread his wings…

From the abyss, a new era was born out of ashes and dust
From the sadness, there sparked a renewed wave of strength
From the shadows, evolved hope’s magical gust
From nothingness, there was abundance next.

A new dawn rose from what was thought to be vanished
That angel gave me a reason to tread on, found me a meaning to life
With his unconditional love, all of my fears were vanquished
I soon cast away the incessant tears and all the waging strifes.

Now the mornings would shimmer and sparkle so bright
Glad tidings would be brought in at every hour
As he scared away sorrow’s companions with a grin so light
I would fall asleep in the nook of his arm and fate would never again taste sour.

My love, my soul mate, my life
How do I say the words and make it sound real?
My lover and my friend; my rainbow and my butterfly
How you delight me, cajole me and make my wounds heal…

These words that I write bear testimony to my feelings
These smiles I carry along my sleeve are a mirror of your soul
You have won over me and awakened my heartstrings
For all of this, and all that you do, I want to thank you whole.

As I sit here and remember all that we shared and all there will be
As I silently muse over how you changed the course of destiny
And how you took my hand and what blossomed that instant was hope’s tree
Part of me feels so lucky, part of me feels the pangs of doubt so tiny.

That if all of this were just a dream?
What if I woke up one fine day and you were gone in a whiff?
What if I were to lose a smile so precious as thye sun’s beam?
What if, what if?…

Sometimes, it seems too good to be true
Sometimes, I marvel at this crazy thing called love
The moments spent with you seem too few
Even though I know that God blesses us from above.

You will always be my baby
And I know that even though time may separate us
This bond we share will be written in the golden book of history
We are bound to each other; even though fate might as well make a fuss…

Now as time has set out to test our love
Now as we are miles apart
Now as I look for the Almighty’s dove
I realise that your memory is deely embossed in my poor heart.

And as long as I go on living
I will carry the thread of our love safely
Along each tentative step, our promises I will keep on fulfilling…
Till death do us part, each of our vows, I will be respecting ever so happily.

A magical abode and a protective dome

There’s the familiar smell of mum’s cooking

There’s the aura of the family deity’s blessing.

Jokes exchanged, light bantering

Cheery laughter erupting

 Dark moods transformed into grins so winning.

The kitchen welcoming us to a sumptious home-made meal

Just imagine the warmth you feel

Imagine mum’s smile as she coaxes us to a quiet gathering

The birds echo a jazzy tune while the pixies flutter about our window sills.

Imagine a place where you feel at peace with yourself

A place habited by God’s elfs

Where you can lounge around and just be

Where family complicity is not difficult to see .

When I think of home

My heart sinks a little, but I am not without an ounce of hope

Because I know that my parent’s prayers are with me

Even though I am sleeping in my flat, oh-so-grotty.

The nice little garden, with the flowers smiling gaily

The familiar tree which has guarded the yard ‘s fragility

The pathway streaked with memories of ball games

Games which hailed my cousin’s dribbling tactics to fame.

My loving dog lapping in my sister’s attention

A dog which always relieves me of all my tensions

And cajoles me into a sparkling smile

On Sundays we take her for a walk across the cane fields and she runs a mile…

Celebrating the festivals with the neighbours

Divali yummies, Eid cakes, Gateau Marie never run sour

Drenched in colourful water at Holi

At Christmas mass, blessed with holy ash and at New year basking into folly.

Home is beckoning to me, it tempts me, but I am helples

I know I cannot affordto return now, and that’s why I am so hapless

But I cross my fingers and say a silent prayer

It won’t be long until I go back to paradise’s pier.

There’s something about home

Which makes me glow on my own

There’s a place called home

It is far away but I carry its memories in my heart, ever so close…

It makes me even sadder
Lonely and shedding invisible tears as I am
Tearing apart the last hopeful utterance
Searching for a deeper awakening.

A sign from someone
A wave from the angry winds
A star to calm the storm brewing in my head
A sheltering cloud to hide the pain.

Was it a song I had written down?
Something about me loving him so much
Something of a tragic ending
Adding a bit of theatricality at the end.

Stories stem from actual happenings
They take root from living hells
They commence from dying souls
I didnt make up the story.

It was narrated to me by the heartbeats
Whispered by the angels and the demons as well
Hissed in by the turmoil n the hurt
Trying to wind its way into a corner of my mind.

To kill me with its venom
To leave me here gasping for breath
To tell me that the end is a step away
To crush the hope I had nourished…

Will you leave me thus?
Down on my knees
And breathing my last?
I would hope not…

Drawn apart by the forces of destiny

God is testing our strength, weighing down our patience

Maybe it was just meant to be. 

Each in our own solitary worlds

Euphoric, miserable, ecstatic, despondent

We’ve sharpened fate’s sword

And sailed through the different phases, ever so exuberant. 

And now time has come to make choices

To sieve the good from the bad

Wake up from the everyday scramble and join forces

With the frail-looking dawn peeping behind the stack.

 And amidst the bright beginnings

Caught up by the bric-a-brac called life

Somehow, we regret old decisions and fear new strummings

Allowing ancient relationships to take the plunge and dive. 

Forgetting what used to be

What made the heart sing in contentment

Never pausing to reminisce about how it felt being young and free

And what fades into oblivion is that spark, that sense of fulfillment.

 All this to say that I miss you all

Not a day passes by without me recalling the magic

Not a smile is wasted without reflecting on the long strolls

How we used to get the spellings wrong and pretend to be sick.

Just to miss a history lesson

To skip trigonometry and hail our playfulness

Win the trophies and delight in the grand fun

That was the good old days, the buoyant wakefulness.

 But now, along this bank and shoal of time

The little things of yesterday have shrivelled and died

Slowly but surely, eaten away by some slime

Our memories just urging us to hide. 

But whatever happens, I will always remember the goodness

The fact that we were united by a common faith

Wanting to enjoy petulant existence at any rate

Brought together by the lure to taste elusive happiness. 

Although we barely have time on our hands

And because at this very instant the clock ticks away

There has never been a more fitting time my friends

Than now, than this moment on which we sway 

To say that we shared something together

And the distance wont be a hurdle

Because true friendship gets better

As the seasons go by, never forgotten, only strengthened.

 So, here’s a toast to the good moments

And the wicked times to come

This is not a time to relent…

But to raise our glasses to what has been slightly undone. 

Yours friend who loves you and misses you all,

Krishnee 

Special thanks to Poo for being my muse

To Gi for being like my older sister

To Aristo who continues to inspire me across oceans

To Med and Mel who never cease to light up my day

To Amee for making me feel special

To Zaid for being my guardian angel

To Nithin for being true inspiration these days

To Shamee for rediscovering our bond…

To Jeevesh for considering me as his little, mischievous sister

To Geet for making me smile by her cute antics

To Ashnavi for uniting me with Baba again

To Smita for being a uniquely special sister

To Gulshan for having stood by me at my darkest hour

To Sharon Li for teaching me what real talent is…

And for everyone else who has made a difference.